Fear of Being Seen

I’m about to lose my Blogging Virginity, please go gently

There is nothing I love more than talking. I love to talk. I’ve begun to make a career out of it, and I love to write, so hopefully this is the perfect marriage.

I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to go with this, but dropping resistance and going with the flow always leads me to exciting things. I think I’ll use this as a bit of a journal to talk about my journey to enlightenment and, failing that, the trials and tribulations of being a Coach who is always striving to improve.

I think anyone who is a Therapist or Coach has, at some point, felt like an imposter. I have especially felt this need to be perfect. How can I sit there and hope to help anyone when I have my own stuff I haven’t figured out yet?

As I’ve gained more experience and eased into my role, I’ve realised that there is no one more qualified than someone who has not got it all figured out. I will never have it all figured out. And the residual perfectionism in me feels uncomfortable with that realisation, but it is true.

So something I want to journal on is something I have wanted to overcome for a long time. It is something that has held me back from accomplishing my dreams: my fear of being seen.

The Moment It Started

I can pinpoint the exact moment I developed this fear.

As a child, I loved attention. I loved to perform. I had no reservations about how silly I looked. I never worried about what anyone thought of me.

Then one day, my parents were called into school. What came next changed the rest of my life. My teacher told them my behaviour was “concerning” and that my friends had told their parents about things I had said and done.

As a child, I felt like my entire world had come crashing down.

I was, in essence, told that the way I was was not right. That who I was was wrong.

I carried that with me into my twenties. It quietly underpinned so much of how I acted and how I felt about myself. Now, with adult eyes, I can see that it was a lie and that it was the result of one of my friends being jealous of me.

But what I learned in that moment was this: when I shone brightly, people around me did not like it. Even the people I loved the most.

For years I kept myself small, just in case I upset someone.

When social media came along, I hated it. It scared me. Being exposed to the whole world meant I could be rejected by the entire world.

So How Do I Ease This Fear?

What would I tell a client to do?

I would tell them to start small.
I would Atomic Habit that shit.

If you have not read Atomic Habits, I highly recommend it. In short, if you want to build long-lasting and sustainable habits, you start very small.

My Goal

My goal is to be able to sit in front of a camera and speak with complete confidence and ease. This is the kind of content I want to make.

But right now, that goal is quite far away.
I barely like posting pictures of myself online, let alone videos, let alone talking in a video.

So how will I do it?

I do not mind my voice. I do not have much resistance there. In fact, I quite like my voice.

So my plan is to make reels for Instagram that use my voice. I will pick a subject and talk about it into a microphone. I can add stock footage that matches what I am saying, add a little music, and suddenly I have my own content.

Then, when I am comfortable with that, I will add a couple of clips of myself speaking.
That feels manageable.

That is how you do it.

If I tried to force myself to sit in front of a camera and post it online for the whole world to judge how I look, how I speak, and what I say, I would come up against resistance immediately. I would become discouraged at the slightest criticism or hiccup.

This way, I can build a quiet, strong resilience.

A Line That Changed Everything

I was reading a book recently, and one line changed how I look at this fear:

“When you care about what someone thinks about you, you are forever their slave.”

That hit me hard.

I am tired of playing small.

Much Love,

Sandy